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March 2017

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On self-documentation and procrastination

I have always been inconsistent in terms of recording my life. The period when I was the most productive was also when I was at the height of loneliness, and looking through old records and documents shed a certain light on how I think at the time, including all the embarrassing tidbits that I do not want to remember. Memories are always edited to make you feel better about yourself, and so documentation of self is important to foster self-awareness.

I've been rereading whatever I posted on this blog since the beginning of 2009, and I did not realize how angry I was at everything. Most things posted are full of frustration, angst, and biting sarcasm at petty happenings. In my mind, however, I was always sensible, calm, mature for my age. I am sure that this version of myself would never make it onto the page, because I would only write when I have no other outlet to express my pent-up frustration.

This explains the overwhelming lack of content over the last four years. I wish I kept a better record of my college life, but it was the direct consequence of not being alone. Does solitude necessitates records? Do all writers have to maintain a degree of isolation to create? 

I can perhaps describe it as a volcano, or a water valve. To be able to write, I need to achieve a degree of pent-up neediness - neediness to express myself, neediness to get heard. Having someone around means a valve leaking; pressure could never build up enough to overcome the inertia that comes with entertaining diversion. Maybe that's why philosophers don't want to be happy, but that would be a side-story.

Who knows. Maybe this would be how I resume writing again?

This entry was originally posted at http://invitan.dreamwidth.org/48588.html.